Advice to my 20-something-year-old self
In one of her Dear Sugar posts, Cheryl Strayed gave heartfelt and beautiful advice to her 20-something-year-old self. Coming up to my 32nd birthday, I’ve wondered what I would tell my 20-something-year-old self.
Here’s what I would say:
1. Confidence is a choice - choose it.
In my twenties I spent so much time thinking some people were naturally confident, while the rest of us just struggled with the ups and downs of life. Like many people, I struggled with imposter syndrome. I used to search for an objective source to validate whether I actually deserved the good grade, the job offer, or the positive review…
I now know that there is no objective source to tell you that you are worthy. I now know that we all have moments in which we can choose to be confident. So choose confidence. Choose to believe you are worthy with all of your quirks, graces, beauty and blemishes, insecurities and dreams - because all of that together is pretty fucking incredible. So even when it feels so so hard, choose to believe in yourself.
2. The world is fucked up. Learn about why the world is fucked up so you can be slightly less ignorant and have a shot at making it better (or at least not worse).
I wish I could have given my younger self a list of recommended readings on sexism, racism, and all the power dynamics that very actively shape (and have shaped) the world we live in. Knowing me I probably would have skipped the reading list for some shitty tv, but had I read even one thing by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, I would have been better prepared for my adult life, for the discounting (and worse) of women and minorities, for boardrooms full of important people that all too often look the same, and for the various personal experiences I would (and may still yet) encounter that are shaped by hate and power.
I would have been slightly more prepared to process the night I walked by myself to my friend’s house and a group of men walking by went out of their way to yell at me and tell me to get out of the country. Get out of the country that I had been born and raised in and to which I had never beforehand questioned my sense of belonging. I would have been better prepared for the sense of shame and humiliation that washed over me and to understand the underlying power dynamics at play that night and to know that there was power and healing in understanding, community, and action.
3. Sometimes you’ll be the bad guy and not all endings are happy - accept it.
In my last serious relationship it took me a long time to recognize that no matter what I said or felt, I could not influence how my ex saw our relationship or how he saw me. As much as I wanted an amicable ending that made me feel good about myself, his narrative about us was frankly no longer any of my business and I had to respect that. Sometimes we have to give ourselves the closure we need - we have to take our multi-faceted experiences that could be both beautiful and painful and move the fuck on. Similarly there will be times when we cannot give others what they want from us. We need to be honest with ourselves about what we can and can’t give and accept that that honesty may hurt others. It sucks, but it’s better than being dishonest with yourself or a loved one.
4. Be patient and don’t sweat the small stuff.
How much time is wasted wondering if a guy likes you, or if your friend that was pissed is still pissed, and why are they pissed and did you do something terrible, could you have done something differently, and what happens now? All that time and energy wasted just for things to settle on their own accord and with some time.
We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control how much time we spend stressing about things and our perspective on said stressors.
Life will always have some bumps along the way - even in the best of relationships - and there is something to be said about trusting that your relationships are resilient, that you are resilient, and that if something is meant to work out it will.
On a recent trip with friends this year, one of my besties got hurt and she felt distant after our trip. We talked here and there, but there was a period of time where things did not feel quite the same. In a reactive way, part of me felt confused and hurt and grumpy by her distance… and I wasn’t sure what to do. Instead of my usual approach of feeling all the things and stressing out about it and talking about it ad nauseam, I tried to take a more resilient approach. After all, this was one of my closest friends. I got her and she got me - and not in the we understood each other sense of the phrase, but in the way you would tell your boo “I got you” sense of the phrase.
I could try to overthink/overfeel my way through the dynamic or I could let go, try my best to be open and available, and trust that we loved each other and that long-term that wasn’t going to change.
5. Trust yourself.
It's one of the most beautiful and powerful things you can do for yourself.
Here's some extra birthday love for your soul:
"You are a super being and you can do anything."
- Riverdaughter (likely taken from somewhere else)