It’s very common for successful people in the spotlight to extoll the virtues of failure and rejection. And I agree with them. We learn from our failures, we get stronger by pushing past rejection, and these experiences are really a normal part of the pursuit of anything in life. Rejection and failure go hand in hand with dreaming, taking action, being honest and vulnerable.
I was recently reminded of one other facet of rejection: it stings. In particular, it stings when you hit on someone and they are not into it.
Let me give you some background. A friend of mine in the new City introduced me to a friend of hers - let’s call him Mr. X. When I first met Mr. X, at a group brunch one late spring morning, I thought he was great. He was cute and smart and easy to talk to… I kind of had an insta-crush on him.
Over the last few months we’ve gotten to know each other slightly better. We’ve hung out with mutual friends, and a small amount on our own. As I’ve gotten to know Mr. X better, it wasn’t clear to me if we had a strong romantic chemistry. I do know that when I’ve unexpectedly seen him, I’ve lit up. I thought I sensed extra enthusiasm when he bumped into me, but of course that's debatable - he's also generally a friendly guy.
So those were the facts going into our most recent hang-out, when we met for drinks on a Saturday evening.
As we hung out that night by a fire-pit on an outdoor patio, we had lots of fun chit chat. I still wasn't sure if we had romantic chemistry, but I knew I really enjoyed his company and that I thought he was cute. And if I enjoyed his company this much and had for as long as I had, then I felt it was worth seeing if there was the potential for something more.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m also perfectly OK with just being friends with Mr. X, but I liked him enough to have wanted to try.
For better or for worse, I’m not very good at sitting on the sidelines with my emotions. That Saturday night could have ended with pleasant good-byes and I could have waited to see if something more transpired later on, but that is not me.
I’m blunt and awkward and painfully explicit.
So I did what we should all do whenever we have a decision to make - I did me. Full on blunt, awkward and painfully explicit me.
I asked him if I could kiss him (in my defense, I’ve never claimed to have game!) and he looked at me, and paused. He paused because he didn’t know how to respond, and the expression on his face sucked the wind right out of my lungs. Feelings of stupidity and embarrassment washed over me.
We talked about it a bit and moved on from the moment, but the awkwardness still hung in the air - or at least in my entire body and brain.
On top of feeling embarrassed, I also felt a little bad. Did I ruin what had been a really nice friendly hang-out? Would he forever feel the need to bring an additional person to a hang-out with me to avoid any future potential awkward moments? Am I that person that pushes things too much??
Maybe I did, maybe he would, and maybe I am... but I am who I am and to be honest I don't regret putting myself out there. I’ve kissed plenty of guys that I knew were 100% into me and it’s no biggie. What was hard about this was going for something in the face of uncertainty - that uncertainty is scary as fuck. The cloud of awkwardness that penetrates you like garbage stink after a dumpster dive is a close second - but hey, an awkward moment or two in life really isn’t that big of a deal.
In hindsight I could use the rejection I experienced to validate my own reservations and observations about what wasn’t there - we weren’t super flirty and he wasn’t hitting on me - there was plenty of evidence to suggest that this was not a thing. I could say to myself “See, Dot?!? You read that wrong. You shouldn’t have put those feelings and sentiments out there.” But what would that be teaching myself? To not take risks? I don’t want that to be a lesson I ever teach myself.
It is hard to take risks in the face of uncertainty, but that’s basically what taking a risk means. Nothing is guaranteed in life, and if you believe there’s the potential for something, what do you have to lose? Three days or weeks or months later will you really remember the stuff that doesn’t work out?
The burn of rejection fades. The strength cultivated by putting yourself out there will not.
Want more love for your soul? Enjoy these quotes:
Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.
- e. e. cummings
“To dare is to lose one’s footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself.”
- Soren Kierkegaard