Last time I wrote about a so-so relationship and making the decision to end it. So-so relationships are almost more challenging than bad relationships because there's so much room to rationalize and wait out mediocre levels of effort and half-interested feelings.
The guy I had been dating was enjoyable in many respects. When I was with him, we had interesting conversations and good physical chemistry and there were a number of things I liked about him as a person. We saw each other often enough to maintain a connection, but it was hard for me to tell how much we actually cared.
It's easy to mistake mild interest for a preference to take things slowly.
As I've gotten older in life I've strived to make more room for patience and for giving people some time to do things at their own pace. But I would never be interested in a half-assed type of love. I now wonder if that patience was/is a mistake? Or rather, how do I better balance that patience with being my honest self - a person that has needs and expectations in a relationship?
I've been in love before and I know what it feels like to have someone care about you deeply, want to spend time with you, hold hands with you, hear about your day and tell them about yours, to have their face light up when they see you, to really truly enjoy your company and to think you were kind of the best, flawed as you may be.
I know no relationship is perfect, but I do not want to be just a warm body to someone. I do not want to wonder if the person I'm dating really values me or if I'm merely a convenient and readily available audience. I want someone to want to date me. And in return, I want to say "Fuck Yes."
Since I broke up with that guy, I wondered if it was possible or desirable to keep in touch with him. It would be easy to spend time with him, to be physical with him, and to expect nothing of the relationship because ultimately I cannot care deeply for someone that shows so little interest in committing to me.
However after a recent post break-up casual hang-out with him, I realized that going through the motions of dating (even if you're no longer dating) does not come without costs. Hanging out with someone that mildly cares about you and returning that sentiment normalizes making space for an empty or sub-par relationship in your life. None of this is to say he's a bad guy, or sub-par himself, but clearly we do not do a lot for each other, so why would I want that more regularly in my life? Spending my time - my precious, vulnerable and intimate time - with someone that doesn't think I'm great is a disservice to myself. Confident as I may be, my soul can't help but see and wonder if the disinterest on someone's face reflects me and my worth. My soul cannot help but be dulled by a lack of warmth, affection, and sincerity from someone I'm seeing romantically.
That's why who we let into our lives is so important: the bonds shared between people either build you up or tear you down. On top of that, we can't help but be creatures of habit. We grow accustomed to seeing people, and prioritizing those people takes away from the time and energy you have to meet new people or be on your own (as lonely as that may feel sometimes).
Last night, my friends and I had a random fun adventurous night out where we met a bunch of new people. It was engaging and fun and lively - very different from the half interested hang-outs I've had with men that I know aren't for me.
A good reminder to trust yourself and if you think something isn't that great, go ahead and leave it.