Defining the relationship. It's a subject we all dance around, and for which we suppress feelings, make choices/compromises, or sometimes don't even discuss at all. At the end of the day, DTR is about providing some clarity for the people involved with each other. There's an inherent sense of uncertainty when you're starting to date someone. Some datings sites, like OKCupid, seek to clarify typical deal-breaker issues by letting you place that info upfront. You can indicate the type of relationship you're looking for, your age preferences, whether you want kids, etc. among more subtle values that can be gleaned (not perfectly of course) through the various questions available for answering. Personal deal-breaker questions of mine are whether someone thinks a woman has an obligation to shave her legs, or if a woman that's slept with a certain number of people is a bad person. Basically, I like to know that a man I'm about to date sees me as a person - one that, yes, has body hair and a sex life.
As I've gotten older, I've tried to embrace the idea of embracing uncertainty. You can ask all those deal-breaker questions upfront - and some choose to do so - but I believe there is time for those more serious discussions. First, I want to see if we can even have fun together. It's amazing how important that aspect is - there will be times in your relationship when shit gets real and being able to lean into your ability to have fun as a couple goes a long way towards sustaining a healthy relationship.
But at some point - and of course that point varies for everyone - it's only natural to want to know more about your partner, and to know if they want the same (or similar) things as you.
What's the right time to define the relationship? It's all well and good when those conversations happen naturally, but what about when they don't?
I recently raised such a discussion with the person I was dating and I admit, the timing wasn't perfect. I wasn't looking to define the relationship, but rather to see if they were open to hanging out more regularly, not dating other people, or whatever it was that would enable us to see if we were interested in/compatible to pursue something more serious together. Perhaps even that I had to bring that conversation up - rather than us more organically incorporating each other more into our own lives - was a sign that there was a disconnect. But I subscribe to the view that people can't read your mind. And if you feel you need or want something, you need to communicate it.
Previously I was advised by a friend that people have the DTR talk to either accelerate or decelerate the relationship. And that is the truth. It's very hard to go back to normal if in fact two people are on very different pages. And I get that timing matters. My personal barometer for raising a DTR-like conversation is what's the point to which we could date where if I accidentally bumped into you on a date with someone else, I wouldn't feel overly hurt and foolish. Not saying it would be fun whenever that happened, but for me, in early days of dating someone I would manage. And I don't mean early days strictly in a time sense. I mean the early stage of getting to know someone - their interests, their preferences, their quirks and their vulnerabilities.
But there's so much pressure to wait it out, to not ask what is happening and to not express your needs. And of course, so much of that bias is gendered. I've been on dates before where the guy has said upfront he was looking to settle down - there is so much pressure on women to not say that stuff upfront lest we "scare off" a guy.
Well I think that's bullshit. If I wanted to be married or have kids by now, I could have. I - as much as anyone I'm dating - am looking to see if we are actually a good fit. And I know that takes time. I don't want to rush into a commitment, but I will not date someone casually in perpetuity. That is not how I do relationships. I engage and care and build - it can't really be different for me in a romantic context.
So fuck avoiding or delaying the DTR talk. Have it whenever you want and honestly if the relationship is meant to work out, it will.
Want more love for your soul?
Check out this piece by Alana Massey on the detriments of Chill.