Maybe more like Square Two.
This last week was hard. For a variety of reasons my confidence was shaken. It could be that three-month milestone at the start of a new job where you realize just how much you don't know, or three months in a new city where you begin to fully appreciate how hard it is not having close friends and family around that you can unreservedly and unguardedly by yourself around - or in my case feeling the effects of both. Whatever the cause(s), I found myself asking questions like:
Am I smart enough to be here?
Do I connect with people at work?
Am I likeable enough?
I know reading these questions makes it sound like I am incredibly hard on myself. And the truth is that this week I was. I tried my best to not indulge negative or undermining narratives, but in my moments of weakness I judged myself. Hard.
I struggled this week to provide myself with facts and objective statements refuting the self-doubts that had settled in my heart. While affirmative statements are great - and so wonderful to have when coming from safe and loving sources - in my state of mind this week my self-affirming statements were meek and quiet.
But as I started off my post, I wasn't completely back at square one. I knew deep down that all the questions I posed to myself didn't have objective answers.
What I know now that I didn't know when I was in my early twenties is that I am the sole respondent to any question of self-worth I will ever ask. And I will always have two choices: either I am good enough or I am not. In my moments of doubt, even when I don't feel great about myself, I can choose to believe that I am good enough.
The spark that really (re)crystallized this lesson for me this week was a friend's story about Drake. She went to high-school with him, back when he was not a superstar, back when he was a teen actor. She said how even then he thought he was the shit. He thought it and flaunted it - despite criticism from his peers, despite criticism from himself. This is what we all need to do. We need to believe in ourselves so much, so obnoxiously and so unabashedly that it seeps out of us. If we do that, we have a shot at being our best selves.
Want some more love for your soul?
If you haven't seen Brené Brown's talk on the Power of Vulnerability, I highly recommend it.