It's amazing what time can do to help you process. Last week I got some feedback from my boss - most of it glowing - but also some constructive areas for improvement, and it was hard for me to take in some ways. My insecurities immediately surfaced and I used the feedback to make a deep, cutting narrative against myself.
I felt a bit like shit to be honest. Part of the insecurities that came to mind were whether I have enough "presence" or whether I'm too quiet. I struggle with having this insecurity. I want to recognize that leadership and impact can come in all shapes and sizes. I don't want to negatively judge myself for sometimes being quiet. Many of the people I respect most - my mother, past bosses, etc.- are incredible leaders, but not necessarily the loudest person in a room. This particular insecurity is part of a broader problem - as a society we discount leadership that doesn't fit our stereotypes. Anyway, I've done a lot of digging and I know I want to love All of Me. I can be loud and quiet - it's not an either or choice. I also realized it's not really about whether you are an introvert or extrovert - we all face situations that are challenging to us and getting through them is about having courage and grit and asserting yourself and putting yourself out there.
Since then I've had time to process, and I can now fully appreciate that I am fortunate to have a manager that cares about me, wants to see me grow, and is willing to give me constructive (albeit hard to hear sometimes) feedback. I want to own my natural strengths while also pushing myself out of my comfort zone - I don't believe the two are contradictory.
So there's a few things I want to keep in mind. I thought these lessons may be helpful to others out there. On the feedback I received:
1. I'm going to be more mindful of being vocal at meetings; and to help me do that I will...
2. Focus/remind myself that what I say is of value. Inherently as a person, and as The Person that I know I am, I know I have value.
3. Part of knowing I have value and choosing to share it also involves having a bit of a thick skin. Not everyone is always going to agree with me, and I can't depend on a supportive environment (which of course helps!). My choice to share me has to withstand the natural ripples, ebbs and flows and turbulence of life.
4. Have courage and practice! If I do have a safe environment, take advantage of it - that is my practice ground and it will only help me get stronger.
5. Focus my message - who is my audience, and what is my key message.
6. Dig deep - for me I also realize that I am very used to/more inclined to a hierarchical environment. My first job out of grad school was super intimidating when I used to work in government so much of the dynamic was not speaking unless you were super senior. It's not like that where I work now, and to be honest it's a little hard for my brain to adjust to. This is where I think #2 and #4 would be helpful.
7. On hierarchy, remember that at the end of the day we're all just people. Even the most senior person in a company has their ups and downs. We can all learn from each other. And just because you are senior doesn't mean you always make the right decision. Again, trusting yourself, knowing that you have value and then having the courage to share that value helps. For me personally this will mean thinking of myself as entitled to the space around the table as everyone else, speaking up when the time presents itself (not after everyone else), being deliberate with my language, and acting like a boss/problem-solver (regardless of what my title is).
8. On taking up space. Yes I have as much a right to be there as everyone else - and I know I have damned good insights to share too. But another way to look at it is that jumping in isn't necessarily hogging the floor - a lot of people see that kind of interaction as enthusiasm and participation. I do love discussing ideas, especially in safe environments. The reality is is, while I may be nervous, most environments I'm in are fairly safe - so really a boardroom meeting could be just an extension of a small team meeting dynamic, or the TA college classroom that I was so used to and comfortable with.
Putting more out there gives people more to work with - and in some cases you may just need to talk the language of Talkers, which is chatting it up.
9. Be kind to yourself. Trying new things/pushing yourself out of your comfort zone is not easy. It takes time to grow into a new role or to take on a new dynamic - give yourself time and space and encouragement along the way.
10. Be yourself. We are our best selves when we own our naturals powers and are true to our strengths. I truly believe our value-add to any team is grounded in our ability to hone in on our personal strengths.
Want some more love for your (work) soul?
Read the Radical Candor article featuring Kim Scott, who details the benefits of hard conversations.
Listen to or read the book by Susan Cain - Quiet: The Power of Introverts. I truly believe we are all a mix of introvert and extrovert, but if the one thing you take away from Cain is that regardless of societal pressure you even if you identify as an introvert have value - and that quiet power is a force to reckon with - I think it'll be worth the time.