In today’s post, Dot addresses the first letter she’s received from a reader.
Dear Dot,
I recently attended a weekend camp getaway with young professionals - it was a great opportunity to have light-hearted fun, meet new people, and enjoy the outdoors. There were several instances at camp (usually at night time) where I had to make a decision to stay with the group or breakaway and do my own thing/sleep. My thought process oscillated between: stay: this is how you'll make more friends/you'll be missing out and Leave, I've tried this (i.e., I've been here for an hour or so) and I'm not enjoying this experience. I almost always decide to leave, but I wonder if I'm not pushing myself enough. How do you know where to draw the line?
Sincerely,
Camped Out
Dear Camped Out,
First, I have to say that I am really happy that you pursued something that piqued your interest. You went away on this multi-day getaway with a bunch of people you didn’t know in the pursuit of new experience, new people, and growth. Putting yourself out there is hard - there are no ifs, ands or buts about it. And it’s hard for so many reasons. Showing up leaves us vulnerable to judgement, rejection, isolation, and disappointment. Sometimes we feel judged by others; often we are judging ourselves.
You and I both know that it’s only through those hard and beautifully vulnerable moments that we can connect with other people and grow. We realize our limits (and broaden them) by pushing ourselves past our perceived limits. We can do so much. You may not become best friends with someone just because you’ve hung out with them for an extra hour, but those hang-outs will generally (or at least hopefully) become more comfortable with time.
So here’s my practical advice.
After a first-time interaction, I would say make a judgement call. Are these people you want to incorporate into your life? If so, I would say that pushing through the discomfort more times than not is the way to go.
Second, I would say recognize/remember your strengths - maybe you go for quality over quantity and so new, big-group situations may not be your best element - that’s OK. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a high-five for showing up.
Finally, for future events, are there things you can do to make yourself more comfortable in a new social environment? Bringing a friend, having some conversation topics/questions in mind, or rewarding yourself with some TLC afterwards, etc. are simple, but easy things that can lighten the pressure of an uncomfortable environment. Of course being present and your natural beautiful self are key underpinnings to any authentic interaction, but it doesn’t hurt to find and use tools that provide additional support.
Now for my less practical, heart-to-heart advice.
As hard as it can feel, effort spent to open yourself up and give yourself to others is never wasted. When I started to work, I found that my natural disposition in team settings - me trying to be thoughtful and chime in if/when there was a value add - could also leave a lot of people wondering what I thought and who I was - they didn’t always hear from me and so didn’t always have a lot to help them form an opinion. As much as it didn’t (and doesn’t) feel super natural to me, I grew to realize that especially when early on in a relationship with peers, sharing more of yourself (than perhaps is naturally comfortable) can go a long way to helping them get to know you.
Camped Out, whether you stay or go isn’t really as important as how you feel about yourself and your decision to stay or go. Part of growing and connecting with the world is acknowledging that not all experiences feel natural. There are going to be some hard angles in your life - some chosen and some out of your hands. Life isn’t about getting rid of all the hard angles, but rather growing our awareness of these edges and finding ways we can minimize or come to terms with them.
I wonder how much of any uncomfortable situation is the awkwardness that exists when we don’t know people versus our internal self-criticism or judgement. To be honest, I don’t think it’s possible to detangle the relationship between the two. Awkwardness won’t kill us - and it, like every other sentiment we experience, will pass and does get easier with exposure. On our self-inflicted criticism, we can be our own worst critics and we owe it to ourselves to be kinder and more supportive of ourselves.
When we are uncomfortable, we have a choice. We can either inspect and judge ourselves harshly or we can say “This isn’t the most comfortable situation for me, but I’ve shown up and I want to be here, so I am going to let my little light shine, challenge myself, and push doubt out the door.” Always always always choose the option to believe in yourself and be kind to yourself.
Pushing your comfort zone on where you draw your line doesn’t mean being the last one to leave. But it does mean finding that balance between challenging yourself and loving yourself along the way.