A few days ago I put up (then removed) a post about a guy I’ve been dating recently. In the post, I laid out all the good things about him (and there are many) and some of the things recently that had made me feel vulnerable. He was different from most men I’ve dated. We weren’t smitten with each other, but I was OK with that. Based on my experience, strong instantaneous connection hadn’t been an indicator of success in a relationship, so I was open to getting to know someone. We dated. It was fun and light and effortless to hang out with him.
Early on he was very clear that he did not want to rush into things. I was open to taking time, but said it was important to me to spend time with people open to exploring a meaningful relationship.
At some point - that point being this week - our divergent points of view came to a head. We were both still dating other people… but I was starting to care more about him. Balancing that with open dating took a toll on me; some of the fun and shine I felt began to dull. Was it reasonable to want to spend more time with him? When he started dating someone new, how would I fit in? I had been clear on how I felt about him, but his feelings were less clear.
While on vacation, I quickly realized I actually felt not good about this uncertainty. It reminded me of a past experience where there was so much uncertainty about the basics, and it took a toll.
As I thought about it, I felt so much pressure to feel OK with the uncertainty - uncertainty is a part of life after all, right? I found myself questioning why I felt insecure and trying to will myself to feel better…
The thing is, I deal with uncertainty all the time: moving to San Francisco on my own, starting a new job, etc. I’ve also had wonderful relationships that held some uncertainty (e.g., living in different cities, having different life goals, etc.). Even when those experiences felt hard, they did not make me feel bad. Here, I could see bad creeping in on the horizon.
The difference between this and those experiences is here it felt like I was holding the uncertainty on my own. Given the asymmetry in our feelings and readiness to focus on each other, it would be his call to decide if and when he wanted something more. I knew he cared about me, but he was clear that he did not want to focus on one person (or at least not on me), and frankly he wasn’t asking me to focus on him… so where did that leave me?
I used to think taking a chance meant putting it all out there regardless of the situation. But my view has evolved. I do believe in taking chances, but I also believe in honouring your needs, and listening to others. Usually the people that aren’t interested in anything more are upfront about it - it’s on me whether I listen to them or not. Perhaps there are times when we take on more risk, where we embrace asymmetry because we believe things will work out. But when that asymmetry comes to prioritization, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to withstand it. I knew that being in this dynamic for a prolonged period of time would not bring out my best self. Maybe it’s basic of me, but I believe relationships for the most part should bring out our best selves.
Once I realized that this wasn’t really about me changing my feelings, but rather changing the situation that was causing those feelings, my choice was super simple.
We discussed and both acknowledged that while we thought the other was great, we were kind of in different spaces / not really looking for the same thing - or at least not with each other / not right now. He asked me if I had doubted his honesty (I had not); his honesty is part of what enabled us to have an open discussion. And I’m glad for it. I want him to be happy and do what feels right to him, even if it disappoints me in the moment.
Lesson here: trust yourself and listen to others. You can push things, but really you shouldn’t have to push that hard. The path to good relationships is not paved with shitty feelings on anyone’s part. Compromises should be made wholeheartedly, without feeling scooped out or resentful. For me personally, if there’s doubt about something as basic as someone’s interest in me as a person, in their desire to focus on me to get to know me better, it’s probably not the person / relationship for me.
Want some more love for your love?
Resurfacing a favorite Steinbeck quote:
“And don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -- The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.”
Also from my limited reading up on open relationships, I found this Dan Savage talk really interesting: