A few weeks ago I ended it with this guy I was seeing. And as happens, we kind of started to date again. I knew we wanted different things, and I thought: maybe I can just appreciate this for what it is. maybe also this is a good experience to give someone the time and space they’ve asked for.
Those thoughts were good. There is value in revisiting our assumptions about ourselves. My roommate shared a mental framework with me in terms of how he thinks about his experiences: comfort - growth - danger. Most of your life may be in the comfort zone, but there are times when you will push yourself - enduring the associated emotional cost - for growth. There is a difference between growth and danger. Sometimes we may choose to dabble in the danger zone, but as the name implies, it is likely not a place we want to stay in for long.
So what good came out of this effort:
I (re)affirmed my truth that emotional security is an absolute requirement for me in any meaningful relationship. I can undergo short periods where that is compromised, but it comes at a cost to my emotional health.
I realized how beautiful it is that my body and heart speak so intimately to each other. Part of what made me realize this isn’t working for me was my body’s physical response when I felt distant and guarded and hurt. My body showed me things I was unable to see or recognize on my own.
I realized that timing matters. As much as I often like to address matters of the heart right away, there is something to be said for the right time. I have the capacity to be patient and calm my desire to act immediately.
I realized that, for whatever reason, I had looked at him and us with rose colored glasses. It was only in this post-”break-up” phase of dating that I saw how several of my needs were not being met. In any relationship how people meet each other’s needs would have to be negotiated, but what’s surprising is I didn’t even realize the smaller, more subtle compromises I was making. It makes me wonder why, early on, I am so keen to accommodate another person. Is this what Bell Hooks means when she says women are socialized to give Love and men to receive Love? I know I can assert myself on big things, but maybe I should try to notice the small things too. I would gladly put in the effort to compromise and navigate my own and another’s needs with the right person that puts in an effort to do the same.
I am grateful for my best friend, when told of my experiment to dabble in discomfort and the highs and lows of the last few weeks, asked me gently, but firmly “But…why?”
I deepened my appreciation for who I am. I am sincere and care deeply and wholeheartedly. I do not want to master the art of not giving a shit. I could go through the motions of breezy and sexy when my heart feels distant, but why would I do that? It feels like the worst kind of acting. It is not who I am or who I want to become. Why would I take something as beautiful and rare as how I love (and I don’t mean just romantically love, but universally love) and dull that? Why would I numb that gift I have to offer?
It’s naive to think emotionally vulnerable situations - as I found with open dating - aren’t wrought with navigating moments of hurt, jealousy, and insecurity. If anything those situations need more honesty and surfacing of emotions and security, not less.
I read through my old posts and realize a common theme with me that applies here: I try. Perhaps a little too long (with dating I could probably embrace my snap judgements a bit more), but regardless, I am who I am because I try. These small moments of sadness are the result of genuinely caring, and that’s ok. At the end of it, the people that stick in my life really see me, and are seen (and loved) by me.
OK lovebugs, perhaps I’ve been hard on myself. Here are some quotes for comfort on trying.
“What a brave thing we did to plant an orchid in the desert and halfway expect it to thrive”
-Mari Andrews (IG: @bymariandrew Nov 9, 2018)
“Is it bad to give things a chance? No. I don't think so.”
-Dot
And this one just because it is beautiful.
“Life is slippery. Here, take my hand.”
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.