Here’s a collection of thoughts, lessons, and intentions from the past year, looking ahead to 2019.
Take risks, even if success looks unlikely. This year I wasn’t sure if I should go up for a promotion at work, I felt like it was too early. When told of my dilemma a mentor of mine agreed it was early, but then said “you should go for things early. if you’re getting 100% of the things you go for, you’re waiting too long.”
Trust your judgement, even when you don’t have all the facts. Often times when a job or relationship hasn’t worked well for me, I actually had a sense that something wasn’t quite right early on. There is something beautiful about trying - even short-lived experiences can be meaningful - but I want to trust my gut instinct more and let things (that don’t deserve my time, energy, or intention) go sooner.
Time is valuable, be intentional about how and with whom it’s spent. I focused a lot on work over the last year, which was incredibly rewarding; a large part of me feeling more grounded and at home in SF has to do with the relationships and experiences I built this year at work. I also spent a lot of time going on dates - many of which I wasn’t that jazzed about. For 2019, I want to spend more of my time nourishing meaningful relationships and experiences - whether that’s building new or existing relationships, spending time on my own, on work, side projects, or the guitar.
Assume good intent. Sometimes people have shitty intentions, or don’t face situations honestly so their actions end up being kind of shitty, or sometimes their Truth is simply different from your Truth. Being angry about all of that doesn’t really serve anyone. We all have our own baggage and shortcomings and things we’d like to avoid… but as my mum says, people generally are doing the best they can. Assuming good intent - even if we feel hurt or misled or frustrated - helps release some of that bitterness. Life is too short to hold onto bitterness.
Things people gifted me this year through their words and actions:
the joy of playing guitar while belting out a song you just learnt
letting things roll off your back - you’ll live a happier life if you don’t get stuck in the small shit
the value of adventure - say yes enthusiastically and often
the joy playing pick-up basketball with boys - at least ten years my junior - that taught me how to set up a pick (pic?): try new things and spend time off your phone whenever possible.
as my friend said when I went scuba diving for the first time, push yourself, but don’t push yourself that much; I think that applies to most areas of life
Things people gifted me through what they couldn’t say or didn’t offer:
the power of loyalty and focus - if I am to be anything to anyone, I need a foundation based on trust, dedication and focus
trust in my ability to see what things are and what they are not. one of my super powers is my ability to face hard situations with honesty, not everyone can or chooses to do this; this is actually quite potent and i want to own my magic more
let other people do (at least some of) the work. in relationships, women are so often told to try, to give things time, to give things space… and I’m kind of over it. I don’t want to join a man on his journey through life; I want a partner that will chart everything from turbulent waters to the stars above in partnership with me.
I believe, perhaps because I’m a Libra, in seeing and holding both the good and the bad. You can’t selectively optimize for only good times. As Dolly Parton says “If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.” Not everyone has to subscribe to that outlook, but it’s something I hold to be true. I have been able to build a satisfying life because, not in spite, of it.
On Love:
I’ve met men that I spark with, and men that could be good partners without that spark. I’m not sure how exactly compromise fits in, but I know it has a role. There are a few core needs we all have, and if those are met, I think the rest is mostly negotiable. As Dan Savage says, find your 0.642 and round the f*ck up. What a beautiful gift to give someone.
On bitterness and certainty:
I would be lying if I said some of my experiences this year didn’t leave me with some bitterness. Assuming good intent helps, but I think the reality is I need to have some space for my hurt feelings too. It’s OK to be disappointed, it’s OK to feel some bitterness, even when I’ve made my peace. It means the experience was real and it meant something and that even amidst relationships of every permutation possible that I stand for something. I don’t have all the answers. But I can trust that my heart will guide me and tell me what’s right.
Resolutions:
Mostly being intentional about everything I said above. I did not want to be too specific with goals, but I feel it’s worth saying. I would also like to take a break from online dating. I feel like this year and these reflections show me how much I enjoy spending time and building relationships and experiences off my phone. I’d like to set myself up to do more of that this year.
Oh, I’d also like to avoid paying any flight cancellations fees (bad (expensive) habit of mine).
To close:
Thank you 2018 for giving me clarity on knowing what I want and feeling empowered to trust my judgement, and align my actions and time accordingly.
And for 2019: here’s to a new year full of adventure, learning, relationships and experiences that nourish the soul.
And of course, some quotes to end the year:
Some more love, compliments of Mari Andrew.
“She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful.” - Terri St. Cloud
“You grow where you are planted; your purpose is where you are and what you are doing - you are always becoming” - Oprah (played during a soulcycle class)
“If you always ask the universe to give me give me give me, what you’re really saying is I don’t have it I don’t have it I don’t have it. In a way, fixating on that blocks your ability to receive.. you end up blocking your blessing” - Oprah (played during the same soulcycle class)