Sober

I heard this song yesterday and it reminded me of you. You liked it so much.

Like in the song, we broke up in October. I knew there was stuff about us that didn’t work, but I kept seeing you.

Stuff I Liked

You were so fun to be with. I loved that no matter how quick-witted I was, you were right there, sending it back. Even when I waxed poetic (which I thought was my special thing), you made me keep up.

It may sound silly, but honestly, I felt joy with you. My heart felt so full at times. I loved singing and playing the guitar with you, I loved sending and getting songs from you, I loved pre-gaming with you, I loved how we got into a fight at my holiday party and then let it roll off our backs… to choose instead to dance the night away. I loved shit talking people with you… actually just talking to you, no matter what the topic. It was so easy. So enjoyable. So full.

You are so charming and confident, gosh I loved your confidence.

With you, my warmth and affection flowed so freely. I remember telling you you were Time Well Spent. How beautiful to feel that about someone. How beautiful to share that with you.

The night of my holiday party etched itself in my heart. That night I asked you to be my boyfriend and - typical to your style - you skirted the question.

And I cried.

Not because I was surprised at your response at all. I cried because I was grieving an us that could have been. I could see so much that was good between us, and it saddened me that it would never be.

Stuff that was mixed

Obviously we had some type of meaningful connection. You wouldn’t have reached out to tell me that you miss me if that weren’t the case.

But we never fully clicked into place. Dating you wasn’t like dating some of the other men in my life where it felt like coming home; so natural, so effortless; where I felt so seen and understood and appreciated. There were moments with us where I felt slightly anxious. Where I didn’t quite know what to say. Where I wasn't quite sure you were listening or seeing me. Did you see me, my love?

I’m not sure we ever really welcomed quiet moments into our relationship. And those quiet moments are actually quite important to me.

I remember at your Friendsgiving party, I was fine but also a little nervous, and I looked at you, and you made a joke about me doing that - it was half funny and half unkind. You didn’t like holding my gaze. And there is something Of You in that. How could I ever feel seen by someone that would not look at me?

You also lied to me. And in my processing of that lie, in my moment of need, you were not there. You were on a date with someone else that I guess offered you more in that moment than me.

How could I ever feel cared for by someone that would not show up for me? How could I trust someone with my heart if they did not prioritize me? I don't want someone that is only around for the Good Times.

You always felt fleeting in a way. There, but maybe also not there. It made me wonder how present you are even to yourself. A lot of your stories seemed to be about constant stimulation, excess, and distraction. Do you truly enjoy that much distraction? It’s so hard for me to understand because it is my opposite.

I suspect there is part of you that is drawn to what I offer. To my stability and groundedness. To my insight and honesty. To the balance I offered the life you have designed for yourself.

But I need some stability too. I want to be loved for who I am, not just the affection I offer or the void I fill. I don't want to have to entertain you to keep your attention. I am enough on my own. I know myself to be a strong, independent and whole person. Partial presence and partial efforts are not good enough for me.

I want a man that faces hard situations honestly.

You tow the line between technically honest and ethical with the women in your life. You enjoy their affection, and your Truth very well may be that you are seeing where it goes. But on some level, you know what it is and what it is not. You know you know.

I guess on some level they know too.

Stuff I Learned

I learned the slow play getting to know someone and building a relationship can work. I would have seen through our moments of awkwardness and the lack of eye contact to see if we could have clicked… but only if you had met me there.

I realized I enjoy adventure and people more than I thought. My trip to the Grand Canyon with a new travel buddy was so fun and light and adventurous. All the things I had, in my brain, associated with my time with you. I see now that I can build this and find people that offer this into my life too.

I learned things can be messy. Really messy. You are wrong for me, but still missed.

I have been on the fence about whether we could be friends - you are deeply selfish and I’m not sure exposing myself to you would be good for me. I fear you would take and take, and my heart would give and give.

I learned anger is part of my healing. I have to let it arrive and leave when it's ready.

As much as you were objectively wrong in lying to me, I realize so much of what hurt me about you and us was what you did not offer. And that does not make you a villain, you are living your Truth. This has been hard because I also care about you deeply.

I have slightly more empathy for the struggle between intentions and actions.

I learned I want to a man that will honour me as I would honour him; without battle or withholding, that can hold me and his broken parts, as I would hold him and mine.

—

There was always some space between us. Which I think can be good. But even with space there can be dedication. That is where I want to be.

With you I could not reconcile my need for Love (stability) and the Desire (mystery + adventure + distance) you so brilliantly offered.

Goodbye to my love that never was.

—

Want more love for your soul? Some quotes / food for thought:

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

-Maya Angelou, recited by Dot’s friend

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“Hold some space for anger Dot”

-Another of Dot’s friends

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“You know what kind of woman I am. I can love and care deeply, but I am not some weak-willed asshole that eats shit from men that care more about themselves than me.”

-Dot

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“Though I know it's no one's fault
If I've learned anything at all
With us no matter how I add it up
One plus one is none”

- Mahalia, Sober

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This talk on the Sweet Spot between Love and Desire by Esther Perel (minute 29 onwards is especially good)

“How is it that we came to expect the waves and the anchor in the same place?”

“In most relationships there is often one person that is more in touch with abandonment and fear of losing the other, and one person who is more in touch with fear of losing themselves. Often these people are in a relationship together…. this is not a problem that you solve, but a paradox that you manage.”

“When trust is broken, it actually is about reintegrating a new truth.”

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“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”

Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

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“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”

Rumi

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xoxox